The year of The Wedding

I know 2007 is supposed to be the Year of the Pig, but for me this is definitely The Year of the Wedding. Not mine, thankfully (I'll never get married in an uneven year...), but it seems everybody I know has decided to tie the knot before the end of April.

It's only the third week of January, and already I've travelled far and wide to spend two beautiful Saturday afternoons hearing people say "I do". (As a matter of fact, I've never been to a wedding where they said "I do". It's always the unromantic "yes".) As if two isn't enough, I have another four coming up in the next 2 months, and I'm already praying there'll be enough liquor available to deal with the five lovesick couples who will most likely be seated with me and my imaginary date.

Because of my extensive database of attended wedding receptions (one of the legacies of a small town upbringing), I've decided to indulge you in my version of How to get Married without Losing Friends and Alienating the In-laws.

In my opinion, the most important thing to get right is the dress. If the bride looks stunning, and I mean really breathtakingly beautiful, you can get away with almost anything. Nobody cares too much then about the shit food, the too loud so last decade music or the fact that they really think the groom is an assbag. All they'll say afterwards is: The bride looked soooooo beautiful.

Of course, it also helps if the bridespair like each other. I've been to a wedding once where the groom couldn't stand the sight of his wife. Seriously. He couldn't get himself to look at her, never mind smile at her. She, of course, was MADLY in love with him. So even though I prefer bridespairs to be like peas in a pod, I can deal with it if they at least look at each other while declaring their everlasting love.

Make sure the wedding gifts are safely guarded throughout the night. You won't believe it, but some of your guests will be very tempted to take some of the gift registry home. In fact, a friend of mine has been to a wedding where the groom stole R1000 cash (meant for the DJ) out of his new father-in-law's jacket. I kid you not, he was caught red-handed on the wedding tape.

(In the light of the above, I guess it's also a good idea to make sure you know a good divorce lawyer before you even think about setting foot in that church. And the prenups better be in your favour.)

Invite kids. They're the ones who'll have the most fun - that is, until a fistfight breaks out on the dancefloor (my cousin, aged 4 at the time, once gave a crybaby boy an opstopper and bloody nose. the guy now plays tighthead for the cheetahs.) Kids won't have any forced, polite conversations starting with "so how do you know the bride?" and as long as you feed them hot dogs, chips and chocolate cake, they won't gossip about the dress, the food, the venue or the assbag groom.

Talking about those forced, polite conversations - think carefully about the seating arrangements. To be honest, I don't give a shit if you put your two uncles who haven't spoken a word in years next to each other. Or if you seat the family flirt next to the dominee. Just make sure I'm not the only single person at a table with five lovesick couples ever again!

Pick an upbeat song to open the dancefloor with. No, Steve Hofmeyr's Pampoen is not appropriate (yes, I've been to one of those too...). Neither is anything by Celine Dion or Shania Twain. If you really insist, you can play a tranetrekker, but only if you can dance and are wearing a stunning dress that will divert the attention.

Now, the liquor arrangements can be a tricky thing, especially if the bride is a recovering alcoholic (yes, I've also been to one of those. The bride was falling drunk at 9h30 pm). You don't have to spend a fortune on the bar tab, but you really have to remember the following:

* Choose a venue where the cash bar won't charge your guests R34 for a double of anything. And the cheaper the tequila, the better.
* The more friends you invite, the better for the party (and the family politics).
* Forget about the bride, the DJ is the most important person in the room.
* You can never have enough champagne.

Lastly, while you and your loved one are taking pictures for hours, your guests are (still) having forced, polite conversations while staring at their drab-looking appetisers. Make sure the party is well underway by the time you're back. One tiny glass of sherry is not going to do the trick. You need an open bar and huge cocktails at the door.

Want your wedding to be roaring success? Then take my dad's advice and remember: the best weddings are those where the guests start wondering at 7pm what the hell the dressed-up fools at the main table are doing there.